i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
