You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
