I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The uberlube is also flammable
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
