too bad you live with your parents still
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
