he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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