it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
