just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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