On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
