I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
