she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
