the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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