and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
