p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
