Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
