so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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