Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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