My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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