Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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