I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
