He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
