Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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