i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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