she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
