On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
