Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
