My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
