she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
