Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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