I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
