I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
