At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
honey bunches of taint.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
