Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
