please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
