I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
