Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
