we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
