i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
