So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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