I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
