You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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