what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
