If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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