he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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