Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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