ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
