My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
