ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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