I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My balls are so social today.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
