remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
