Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Found the puke drawer
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
In other news, I just burned my penis
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
