I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
