She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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