Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
